RNC Style: Making America Sexy Again

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What the Republican National Convention lacks in Supreme and Ralph Lauren it makes up for with American flags, worn everywhere, in ways you’ve never imagined

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Note the turquoise cross, which matches beautifully with the sign. Also, the sandals match the LIFESTYLE of Christ himself, which means this ensemble is coherent from top to bottom. One thing I’ve notice about older, scragglier dudes is that, in terms of fashion, there’s not much difference between the left and right wing. This guy could easily be holding up a Nader sign.

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This man told me his shirt was the best shirt of the convention, and who am I to argue? It’s got Trump as King Kong on top of the Capitol UPDATE Cleveland’s Terminal Tower, with Hillary as Fay Wray. Never mind that Kong dies at the end of the movie, and that beauty KILLS the beast. The point is… Trump strong like ape. (CORRECTION: That’s Cleveland’s Terminal Tower. My apologies to the tower.)

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Travis here was selling bedazzled TRUMP shirts for women at a table, but we were taken by his stars and stripes vest. Please note that the sleeves came PRE-torn with the vest. Travis did not cut them off himself. Sometimes, you sacrifice authenticity for uniformity.

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SOCIALISM SUCKS guy is all over Cleveland this week, dressed in a Calvin Klein shirt and tasteful pants and rocking half a man bun. He also had braces on. I’ve paid for braces, kid. In full. As far as I’m concerned, socialism with a solid orthodontia plan can’t come soon enough.

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That’s Obama as the Joker. If you reverse engineer the Joker’s belief that chaos is fair, then what is FAIRNESS, as championed by our social-justice-warrior-in-chief? You guessed it. Also, please note the Rebel Flag purse. I bet the average Southern racist is in denial about the flag’s heritage of slavery and racism mostly because they still think the flag looks way cool.

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Didn’t think you’d spot a Lana Del Ray fanboy at this convention, did you? Hillary’s lies about Benghazi have given this young man the summertime sadness.

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Our man here got his head tattoos over FIFTEEN YEARS ago. Fifteen years! I would never have guessed that someone willing to ink their own face would make it another two years, let alone fifteen. This guy is a survivor, man.

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That’s Rick Perry’s actual autograph. Say what you want about the former Texas governor: he’s a dope, an incompetent, a hypocrite, a man who vacationed at a place actually called N—-rhead (still can’t believe that)… but his penmanship is impeccable.

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COPS! Do you like cops? Holy fuck, does this place have cops. The RNC has cops on loan from virtually every state, all dressed in full regalia. And they’ll stop for a picture, too! Many cops staying here are being housed in nearby dormitories. One of them told me that his dorm had NO air conditioning. Call me nutty, but I think it’s a bad idea to stick a bunch of poor cops in a sweltering barracks and then have them confront protestors the next day. That is not a recipe for peace.

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The gentleman on the right represents the Log Cabin Republicans here in Cleveland. Who would have POSSIBLY guessed that the Log Cabin Republicans would turn out to be the best-dressed Republicans? Not I.

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Look at this adorable Montanan. Look at him! I wanna take him home and make him my grandpappy. We could make cornmeal flapjacks together on weekends. Anyway, I have a soft spot in my heart for people who get decked out in full frontier garb. This guy LOOKS like Montana. They should put him on the license plate.

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I dare say that’s too much skirt. You could hide all the Trumps under that skirt. Let’s not allow patriotism to become a gateway drug to frumpiness.

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There are clear sub-categories of RNC fashion: You got your rednecks, and your bikers, and your extreme patriots wearing stars and stripes banana hammocks. But then you have more establishment fellows, like these two gents here who asked to not be identified by name. If you’re rocking a pocket square and pointy shoes, I can already tell that you’re in deep with the aspiring Buckleys of the world.

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We all agreed this man was the best-dressed man at the convention. In fact, we asked him explicitly to pose with a phone to his ear because he looked like such a fucking boss with it. Imagine being someone who actually looks cool talking on a phone. It shouldn’t be possible, but I swear to you that I would buy fifty head of cattle from this man based on how he looks holding a phone.

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This sequin tank top was not homemade, which disappointed me. Love the miniature Uncle Sam hat, though. I would eat ice cream out of it.

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This man reinforces my theory that any outfit looks 75% better if you happen to be straddling a motorcycle while wearing it.

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SEERSUCKER! Finally. This whole city should be upholstered in seersucker for the week, and yet only a few brave Republicans have stepped out in a proper seersucker suit with matching boater hat. To me, this is the epitome of conservative chic. It says to me, “I’ve already had eight mint juleps and Daddy says we can use the Nantucket house this weekend.” I would party with this guy. Deep down, despite my liberal leanings, I know the truth: These are my people. We bleed white.

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Just because you’re a protestor and you have no interest in “celebrating” here in Cleveland, that doesn’t mean you can’t look good. This is why I’m down with the black Copwatch tee (the goal of Copwatch is right there in the name), along with good shades (the right, NOT the left) and a heavy rock chain pendant. That lets people know you’re a protestor who has explicit goals. You aren’t just some asshole with a BAN EVERYTHING sign. You have your act together.

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That’s a rooster. Because why not.

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Forget about the upside down flag and the shitty Trump shirt. This woman’s jeans were a goddamn masterwork. They had knitting all down the seams! I’ve never seen that. It was like a pair of jeans and a bedspread had hot sex together. You take those jeans and those boots, and you get a respectable top, and you could get elected governor of Texas within a week.

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Perfect. This man is perfect.

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Walk around the RNC long enough and it becomes clear that the stars and stripes are the most versatile design scheme in the universe. You can use it for underwear, hats, shirts, pants, thongs, tuxedos, whatever. It works in every form, even if you’re wearing it ironically. Try doing THAT with the Irish flag. Fuck that. And it cheers people up when they see you dressed in Old Glory. They immediately start drinking cheap beer and eating potato salad after laying eyes on your flag jacket.

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Here’s a normal person dressed in nice clothing. Just a reminder: you don’t have to dress like a freak at this kind of event if you don’t want to!

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Not everyone at the RNC is here to get down and party. This is also a BUSINESS, with lobbying groups and corporate interests flocking to the city to make contacts and sell you home furnace tubing units in bulk. That means you’re gonna see more than your fair share of straight business attire. I know a man who’s staying at a Courtyard when I see one.

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We had this man pose with some money because he had a big hat. And BIG HATS MEAN BIG MONEY.

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We’re inside the Quicken Loans Arena now. And unlike the outside of the arena, the fashion is here is a bit more formal (I was actually informed that I needed long pants to get into the media area… oops), and a bit more conservative. Your average delegate won’t come in rocking a TRUMP HAS BALLZ shirt for roll call, even if he wants to. But there are some notable exceptions inside the Q, like this woman. Her pants were lace, too. Like Madonna back in the day!

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Elizabeth here is an alternate delegate from Pennsylvania who grabbed a pair of $5 flag dealie-boppers to complement her outfit. Like many people here, she has business cards ready to hand out. She actually goes by the pen name The Petite Patriot, and her card prominently mentions that her work has been featured on The Blaze.

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