A pipe dream. A pie in the sky. A fantasy. Wishful thinking. A fool’s paradise. A hallucination.
These are all phrases to describe the hopes of any Full House that might somehow, some way, still be wishing for the Olsen twins to return to the show. Fuller House‘s second season is about to drop on Netflix, and amidst the Tanner family Christmas, DJ’s dating woes, the return of Gia and finally meeting Joey’s wife (she does exist!) lingers the ever-present absence of Michelle.
While Mary-Kate and Ashley‘s fans have long given up on their possible return to the silver screen, it’s an issue that still pops up in the press constantly. Frankly, it’s a moot point by now because the Olsen twins are clearly far better off without Full House. They have a successful clothing line, they’ve won a CFDA award, and they’re straight-up rolling in it.
Plus, their time on the original Full House was a bit traumatic, seeing as they weren’t even given the choice to start acting and had to grow up in front of the camera. But the Internet will be the Internet, and each year during the filming of the Netflix revival the rumor mill starts churning again. We wouldn’t be doing our due diligence if we didn’t, at the very least, put some thought into what it would actually take to get these two back on set again.
Since we consider ourselves among the upper echelons of Olsen fans, we know them pretty well. Like, we’re practically BFFs (they just don’t know it yet). As such, we think we have a pretty good idea of what their list of demands would be:
1. A lifetime supply of chunky knits.
2. A promise that they would never have to smile onscreen.
3. A paycheck of more than $1 Billion. (They have to make it worth their while, after all.)
4. Anna Wintour‘s blessing.
5. A bowl of cigarettes in the green room.
6. Wardrobes that include sunglasses at all times.
7. Removing the words you, got, it and dude from the English language.
8. Removal of all clothing of color from the set.
9. A complete ban on twin jokes.
10. Netflix-funded vacations to St. Tropez. Or St. Barts. Any of the Saints, really.
11. A lifetime supply of oversized jackets.
12. A lifetime supply of slip-on flats.
13. Free “yoga” in the break room.
14. At least four Starbucks outposts at the office.
15. A personal Starbucks fetcher.
16. A Starbucks installed in each of their apartments, as a show of good faith.
17. A free pass on saying hello to anyone in the hallway.
18. Apple boxes in every scene. Even if all the other actors are sitting.
19. A shoutout to The Row at the end of every episode.
20. A written acknowledgement that they’re doing everyone a huge freaking favor.