INFphoto.com; E! Illustration
What’s the one thing I learned while eating like Chrissy Teigen? There’s no way Chrissy Teigen eats like Chrissy Teigen.
Is this earth-shattering, ground-breaking, I-don’t-know-what-to-believe-anymore news? No. But I feel very strongly about it. Another thing I feel strongly about is the fact that this was far and away the easiest I did blank like blank celebrity assignment I’ve ever embarked on.
You see, it’s Hot Bodies Week here at E! News. That means we’re delving into everything from crazy, bizarre fads like reformer machines that look like torture devices and that detox tea you keep seeing on the Instagram pages of B-list celebrities. We’re researching what celebrities do to stay in such good shape, and all of it is just one big fat reminder that celebrities are nothing like us. They are either a) hugely wealthy individuals with the means to take on practically every diet and exercise means known to man or b) robots.
It is this Hot Bodies Week that led me, in the spirit of being inclusive, to test out the diet of one Chrissy Teigen. I know, I know…Chrissy Teigen’s body is not an inclusive body. But her diet—or, at least, the diet she touts in public—is. I’ve tried out Tom Bradyand Gisele Bünchen‘s regimen of leaves and dry pellets, and after weeks spent poring over terms like “dance cardio” and “eating for beauty from the inside out,” Mama needed a little break.
Besides, I was already well-versed in much of Teigen’s dietary preferences; I follow her on Snapchat, after all.
You probably know the rundown already, too. If you ate it to cure a hangover in college, it works for these purposes. So, naturally, I chose to take on this endeavor over the weekend—and, even better, I chose to get extra drunk just so that I could really take full advantage of all the grease. Don’t tell me I’m not committed. That’s the other thing I should mention: I only ate like Chrissy Teigen for one weekend, because I’m a total prude and we’re heading into the holiday season and I, like, didn’t want to have to buy new clothes and stuff. But trust when I say that I really took full advantage of those 48 hours.
Okay, fine, one more caveat: I’m a vegetarian. Chrissy devotees will know that girl likes her red meat. And chicken. So much chicken. Luckily, between her social media and her cookbook, Teigen provides such a wealth of munchies that one needn’t get bogged down in trying to find veggie-friendly options. Plus, it was easy to, say, simply not put the bacon in the egg sandwich. If that makes me a breakfast heathen, then so be it.
The resulting diet can best be described as your basic re-organizing of bread and cheese. Or, rather, carbs and dairy. Who knew there were so many ways to combine bread and cheese? Sandwiches! Bagels! Pasta! It’s all just bread and cheese. And it’s all freaking delicious.
I turned to Chrissy’s Snapchat and Instagram for inspiration first, finding dietary gems like sweet potato wedges, something called “cheesy armadillo garlic bread” which is really just bread that you tear apart and bake cheese into, Shake Shack (yes, not all of this diet involves cooking!), cheesy pasta (even I can cook that!) and burritos the size of a newborn Luna Legend. These were all quite easy undertakings, and so much less stressful, grocery shopping-wise, than trying to find millet at Whole Foods.
I kicked things off with an entire pizza to myself at the Roberta’s pop-up—a beloved Brooklyn establishment doing an abbreviated stint in Los Angeles. This was a little stretch, I admit, because I’m not actually sure if Chrissy Teigen is a follower of Roberta’s. But I know that she is a beloved fan of other Italian restaurants in New York (like Frank, in the Lower East Side), and also a beloved fan of pizza. So we’ll call it even.
The next morning I discovered that the best part of waking up is not actually Folger’s, but rather John Legend’s special breakfast sandwich, which involves smothering an English muffin in American cheese, butter, Sriracha, eggs and sausage if you’re into that kind of thing. You’d be quite surprised how much more motivated a person is to get out of bed on a cold morning when they have the prospect of bread and cheese awaiting them, as opposed to a sad banana or bowl of Trader Joe’s-brand Cheerios.
The rest of my weekend involved testing out recipes from the presumably New York Times-bestselling cookbook Cravings (I don’t feel like checking, but it just seems like one of those books that would instantly skyrocket beautifully-written literature). Like a little something Chrissy calls Baked Pasta Alla Norma with Mozzarella Bombs, which follows the aforementioned pattern of smothering a carb-like substance with some form of dairy. It’s a winning combination, to be sure.
Cravings also touts a recipe for Vegetable Tortilla Stew, which sounded delicious and also way too complicated; I was exhausted from not having had a fruit or vegetable in over 24 hours and just went to the soup guy at my local farmer’s market. He makes something he calls simply “tortilla soup”; I asked him if he thought it was similar to Chrissy Teigen’s and now I’m sure I have my face on a sign that reads “Do not serve this woman.” But the soup was great! Throw in some Christmas cookies and you’ve got yourself a perfect little weekend.
So you’re probably asking yourself, self, where’s the rub? This gal seems like she had a great time. And I did have a great time! I love bread almost as much as Oprah. But I also felt like, for the lack of a better word, s–t. I’m not sure why I had to conduct a science experiment to come to the conclusion that eating out of a book called Cravings is not healthy, but there you have it. As soon as Monday was over I ran, not walked, to my hot yoga studio. I shoveled carrots in my mouth like I had just been airlifted off the island in Castaway. I DRANK A GREEN TEA.
Again, none of this is groundbreaking. And none of this is, surely, how Chrissy Teigen actually eats day in and day out. Cravings is not an hour-by-hour meal plan, but rather a collection of Chrissy’s favorite recipes all in one place. Her social media does not document every morsel, but rather the ones that are visually stimulating and that fit into the persona of cool-girl-that-eats-giant-burritos that she has worked so hard to create. Most people can assume that for every plate of meatballs and garlic bread, there are at least three green juices.
Yet I still have to wonder if Chrissy Teigen eats like Chrissy Teigen even at all. I know that supermodels have genetic makeups that are different than commonplace citizens, their DNA strands made out of 24-karat gold or something, but come on! You should have seen how I looked after this one, admittedly jam-packed with calories, weekend. Chrissy, if you have some magic secret for digesting and quickly metabolizing those breakfast sandwiches, you know where to find me.
Until then, I’ll be here, never ever eating like a celebrity again.